=(

breathless and tired
again i feel like crying
i am lost
went to church today,but i was having trouble feeling god's existence
Lord please listen to my prayers
please
i feel like someone is taking away my courage of living
i am so tired
i want to cry but i have no chance
because i dont want anyone to see me crying here
if you are listening, please give me courage to be strong again
deep down my heart i know what's the reason of me being so emo
i can't help but keep hurting myself like that
i am so sorry to myself
Lord, i don't know is this a challenge for me and why you are doing this to me
i just hope that you can give me direction on what should i do
it's terrible to feel lost...

15/12/13

自从上次跟jason聊到4点后

他说的东西就一直存在我脑里

不是第一次和他聊到这么迟了

跟从前一样我都是聆听者

20岁了，于是他说要给我一些建议

一直以来都觉得自己有点恋哥癖

感觉我喜欢上的人都会在某些地方跟我哥的性格有重叠

或许是因为一向来，他都是支持着我，教导我很多的人吧

家里跟我说最多东西的就是他了

我很多想法也都是被他灌输的

很少人了解我哥，也很少人了解我

因为我们都不会主动跟别人提起自己

那晚是我第一次看到自己的哥哥表达出他濒临绝望的感受

我应该是他目前唯一可以倾述的对象吧

于是他跟我说了好多

聊完了，道了晚安

我躺着，却无法入睡

自己的哥哥有一个庞大的梦想，虽然他为了这个梦想，快要崩溃了

可他毕竟有一个真正属于自己的梦

我呢？

从以前我都是走一步算一步的人

没有真正的去思考过自己到底要做的是什么

他说的对，一旦我们大学毕业了，进社会了

长辈们自然而然地对我们的期望就会改变

我们不可能可以自由地做自己想做的事

他们指望我们变得像他们一样，努力工作，赚钱

什么和朋友常出去聚会，或一直待在电脑前

都将成为不应该做的事

你如果想照着自己的意思，做自己，就要真正做到不在乎他们的看法

不然，就暂时远离他们的视线，等到确信自己能够达到他们的要求时，才回归

他不知道我一直以来的想法就是打算在国外做几年了才回来

不过他却分析给我了

各个方面，自然是毕业后回来的好

待在国外，唯一好处就是自由

冲着这一点，就这一点，我决定了

我没有信心能够一毕业就成为长辈们眼里那懂事上进的孩子

世界那么大，我不想一毕业就被工作捆着

从以前到现在，我唯二没改变的梦想就是

开个咖啡馆，到处去旅行

它们都不是什么伟大的梦想，却是我很想达成的

那晚我问了自己

梦想，这算是了，可是我有为了实现他们而做过什么吗？

没有

甚至懒得去研究不同咖啡的调法

如果依照自己的计划，我该是时候开始努力了

考取药剂师执照，做工，回国可能开个药房，过后就是圆咖啡梦的时候了

在这期间，有钱有闲时，就去走走

一个人或一群人，都无所谓

那晚的思考，让我意识到我没有必要再为了他的事情失落

上帝自有安排

或许他的出现只是上帝要让我开始接触他

我还是会希望能有好结果，我还是会这么像上帝祈求

但是我不会再失落

BP BP BP PB

说真的我不知道要怎么开始写这个assignment
从你们在BP给我蛋糕的时候我就有想要写一堆东西谢谢你们了
可是你们越跟我讨我就越不要写，哈哈哈哈！
讨啊，再讨

其实从我决定要在生日时回BP我就没期待有什么庆祝/惊喜了
毕竟一开始只是michelle说要回，没可能她可以把一群人在我不知道的情况下带下去嘛，哈哈
然后shuyi也很on的决定要跟，kam也要回
我就单纯想说那回去时跟他们3个去吃顿饭庆祝就好咯
（其实我还蛮希望他会一起去的，不过想也知道啦，不可能的事）

结果你们就串通了我pre-u朋友来给我惊喜
我不能说我没有想过他们会要给我惊喜
不过我下意识的关闭自己鸡婆好事的性格
有时候有些事是自己不知道最好的嘛...哈哈哈
要是我挖kam的电话来看，我就不会被surprise到了，我喜欢surprise =P
很谢谢你们，虽然到最后只剩下最后一分钟才知道计划的shuyi在现场
不过没有你们帮忙，他们也没办法这么顺利surprise到我吧

第二天的午餐我还真没把它当成是庆祝
不过过后shiyong告诉我说那算是了，没蛋糕是因为太多人很难算
既然是冲着我的生日才聚集了那么多人一起午餐
我很荣幸，哈哈哈哈哈
在此谢谢我的爸爸妈妈哥哥妹妹阿公阿妈..................................................(下略上千万的字）

是了，礼物的事
其实我从一开始就想要买那保温瓶当成是给自己的生日礼物
我有想过说你们会要送我，可是那实在太贵了，我又不是100巴仙肯定你们会送
所以当我找不到它时，我就决定了自己去买
自己一个人去Pavilion也是早就决定了的事
记得吗？我问过你们要不要去，然后你们都没给我肯定的答案，我也没追问
因为那时我就想说自己一个人去走走，也好
从以前我就喜欢心情不好时一个人去个人来人往的地方，静静地坐在角落看着人群
那过后我通常都能让自己回归开朗的心态
所以那天我是抱着那样的期望自己一个人去走的（你们也知道我一直在emo嘛）
言归正传，我很抱歉我毁了你们礼物的计划
知道你们真的有意要买那保温瓶给我，我就开心了
谢谢你们的心意，如果你们真的把它送给我，我可能珍惜得都舍不得用，哈哈哈

谢谢你们在BP给我的蛋糕
我真的以为那就已经是庆祝结束了，完全没想到你们会计划我回KL时给我惊喜
当我妈叫我隔天才回，我哥和我伯伯婶婶在旁怂恿我时，我就欣然同意了
打电话跟michelle说也只是单纯的通知一下，感觉如果我不通知第二天我回时应该会被骂死
当我听到kam还没回subang时我觉得奇怪的，毕竟那时课都早该完了嘛
不过很明显我那时那个鸡婆mood还没重新开启，所以也没管那么多，哈哈哈哈
那时听到我没回时会不会有点兵荒马乱呢？
我不知道计划都可以持续地打乱它，我太神了我 XD

（话说好像要1000个字了）

重点了重点了
我开我衣橱的那一霎那我真的懵了
惊讶惊喜，太多感情混在一起让我瞬间无语
第一次我的生日出现了气球
而且还是一堆在我的衣橱里
整个人那时候就是超兴奋的
刺破他们后我以为里面的纸就是礼物了
你们又拿了那本书出来
如果那时你们没有一直在旁边叫我哭，我是真的会哭出来的
那时眼泪都已经在眼眶里打转了
可是偏偏就是你们越要我哭，我越不哭～（与上同理）
真的很谢谢你们这么用心的打印那些照片，粘贴，做出这么漂亮的一本书
不是我跟IP或我跟他的照片让我开心
我一看到这本书我的心情就亮起来了
这本书记录了我们友情的开始

我没想到你们会请我吃Jogoya
在lrt里我还很努力地思考pavilion到底有什么餐厅让michelle这么坚决地要去吃
一顿uncle jang换一顿jogoya...好像我比较赚厚？哈哈哈
谢谢你们的晚餐 <3

是时候回复你们在卡片里的祝福了，哈哈哈...

Shuyi,
你没有写我的卡
我emo你啊
不过想想你也可怜啦，什么都被蒙在鼓里，哈哈哈哈哈
不要再那么容易被骗了！
外面的世界很多坏人的！
你要嘛就学聪明一点，要嘛就快去找个会保护你的人嫁了
妹妹跟你说认真的

Ah Kam,
谢谢啊～
我不知道我的emo病几时才会好，不过我觉得有在康复中了
（感觉有慢慢放下他了）
我们不是满有缘分，我们是超有缘分的吧
基本上我已经把你当我妹妹了，所以如果你不介意有一个像我这样厉害的姐姐，就把我当姐姐看待吧，哈哈哈哈
爱一个人太辛苦了，我已经不想再去寻找

Michelle,
谢谢你的祝福～
我没有半夜看戏，我现在半夜在赶你这个assignment XD
不要再把emo传染给我了！！！
你最后一个回复我，所以我也最后一个回复你～
我们两其实蛮像的，一样可怜喜欢上不喜欢自己的人，啊哈哈哈哈
不要再一直欺负你的roommate了！她是好人！

认识快一年了，翻着那书，我的头脑慢慢地带出那一丝丝的回忆片段
10 Musketeers - bp trip - 认识kam - 认识kailee - whatsapp组成pretty girls - michelle emo - 我跟kw和他混熟 - penang trip - sembreak时在bp我们去打球 - 轮到我emo...........................
pretty girls (hungry 24/7) 每个人的生日...
在IMU的日子里，我的生活少不了你们
谢谢你们一直以来的陪伴和容忍我的欠打
我会一直欠打下去的

我向fluffies提过你们，我说基本上现在在大学里我比较要好，比较在乎的就这3个朋友了
或许你们没有和我同样的想法，不过我是认真的告诉他们这段话的
对我来说要好的朋友不用多，几个能一起打闹并一起谈心的就够了
我是一个习惯把感情收在自己心里的人，所以我很少跟你们聊我的心事
不过我有一双很好的耳朵，你们要找人聊心事时找我吧
我的嘴巴也关的很紧的，不用担心，哈哈哈
未来我们还有3年要在大学混在一起，出社会过后还继续............
3个BP人，1个PB人
3个20岁，1个19岁
3个幼稚，1个成熟（不用怀疑那1个就是我）
3个会骗，1个被骗
3个150+，1个巨人
2个很慢，2个很快（差不过变3个慢1个快了）
2个搞emo，2个搞失踪

凌晨4点了我不行了，没力气想了

To my special awesome Fluffies

First of all...please ignore my poor English grammar =P
I write this in English so that our Pig Sofea can read <3

When the first time I approached you guys and asked to have lunch with you guys,
I never thought we will be BFF...
My mind was like: I have to find some people I can hang out with,not good friends also never mind, I must do it!
After the first day we went out together, I found that you guys are so damn friendly and good to hang out with...
day by day,week by week...we formed our own group

I seldom cry in front of people
I only cried in front of my secondary school gang,that was after I knew them for 3 or 4 years
You guys are the first group of people that saw me cried after we knew each other for only a few months
That moment made me know that I trust you guys so so much
I started to know that I won't be able to live without you

First group of friends that I went out yumcha with at night
First group of friends that spammed Whatsapp til hundreds unread messages
First group of friends that I went to trip together with
First group of friends visited my hometown
still have a lot of first-times but I can't really remember le...

Fluffies is the first group of people I always choose to talk to whenever I have a problem bothering me
I know you guys will always support me and give me great advice

To Boss Benguin,
my dear twin
you are always the one that understand me the best
you always care about us so much
sincerely I really hope we can study in the same uni,the same course like how we planned
but you know lar,our plans never work out well,hahaha
imagine if we ever study together...we will be so kisiao and always sampat together XD
sometimes I'm jealous whenever I saw your photos with uni-mates
I was scared that you will replace us with them
But deep down my heart, I know that you will never do that to us
Becoz we are fluffies XD
Thank you for being by my side and comfort me always
Thank you for being such a good big sister and boss

To Monkey Shee Foong,
my first impression of you in class was: why this guy so talkative?can't he keep quiet?
it wasn't a good impression,hahaha
but time proved me wrong
it showed to me that this talkative guy is a awesome guy
actually the things I wanna to say about you I already said for many times
you are not a smart guy,you don't score As in exam
but your personality makes people forget about the academic thing
I really envy Juliet for having you as her husband (fine,future husband)
Well, you are lucky to have her as your wife too,hahahaha...
Thank you for always drive us here and there
Thank you for always cheer us up whenever we are down

To Lemon Mayu,
you are awesome, I want you to always remember this
I know your stories, I cannot say I understand your feelings, becoz that would be a lie
I never been through all the tragedy you experienced
you made me started to appreciate what I have
I know you always have low confidence on yourself, you find it hard to trust others
Always bear in mind that fluffies always here for you
you suffered a lot, so God lead us to you
we will be your ear when you need people to listen,we will be your shield when you need protection
don't have to feel guilty whenever you can't attend gathering or whatsoever
you are doing what you love, and we all are happy for you about that,none of us will blame you
just go ahead and fight
but always remember, whenever you need someone, fluffies are here
Thank you for being my first roommate, a great roommate
Thank you for always listen to my problems

To Pig Sofea,
the little girl that we always worry about
you are the one that has serious homesick, yet you are the first one to leave msia
I was about to cry when sending you away
at the same time I was so happy for you becoz you are going overseas to pursue your dream
It's a great challenge for you, and you made it!
I'm so happy that you found someone to lean on
none of us can be with you physically
but we are always with you emotionally, spiritually...
we will be your guardian angels that love you always
don't feel trouble to update us with anything you experienced, we want to make sure that you are happy there
8 hours time difference is never a problem between our friendship
Thank you for bringing so much laughter into my life
Thank you for always support me no matter what happened

To Deer Sook Ven,
you this face problem person who is always busy
do you still remember the story we made up using numbers and colours?
although we always talk nonsense stuffs, but it was really fun and I miss it
after CAL finished, you disappeared for so long time
I was really excited and happy when I saw your name once again in the group
we all miss you so much, how dare you MIA for no reason?! =(
everytime we had our gathering without you, we were all like: it would be so perfect if sook is here.......
so! please show yourself more in whatsapp!
tell us when you are free!!
don't ever say things like "just have fun without me"!! Fluffies is always six, less one also cannot!
you are bound to us forever,wahahahaha *evil laugh*
Thank you for always be the face problem
Thank you for always make me laugh whenever we chat

After knowing you guys, my birthdays were always full with happiness
Thank you for making for much effort in surprising me
I was quite disappointed when you guys told me that you won't be able to celebrate my birthday together, but I knew you guys were really busy
seeing boss and monkey appeared in front of my units really made me so surprised and touched and happy and surprised and touched and happy and surprised and touched and happy and............................
after that ooVoo with fluffiesssss (except sook again, you owe me a big one XD)
I really grateful that God bring you guys into my life
you guys know me so well
basically no people understand me more than you guys already,hahaha
everyone of you changed my life,made me the person I'm today
Without boss, I won't step into the career of pharmacist
Without monkey, I won't believe that true love exists
Without mayu, I would still be the girl that don't appreciate what I have
Without pig, I won't know a person can grow up and be strong in such a short time
Without sook, I won't know that I can still talk a lot of nonsense stuff after a long time

I wrote for an hour for this, in my mind it seems like still a lot of stuff to write.......
but I can't think of any now...
so I shall stop at here first
Thank you guys so much
I love you,always and forever

5/10/2013

我是个很没有毅力的人
是个很差很差的人
已经沦落到很想哭，可是却哭不出的阶段
每天睡前都告诉自己，放弃吧，不可能的
起床，又再燃起希望，无谓的希望
好像把心掏出来，扔在一旁，从此就做个没心没肺的人
这样我也不用这么难受
好难呼吸，像是快死了那样
好痛苦
可是却没有一个可以倾述的对象
我好失败
好失败
想当个机器人，没有感情，没有眼泪

19/7/2013

it's been a long time since i last visited here
here is always the place where i write whatever craps when im emo
i thought i can leave this place,but the fact is,i cant
this is the only place i can release all my sadness,all my emo-ness
not to anyone,but to a blog
sounds pathetic,huh
mayb it's time to change this place to private,though i dnt think anyone will come and read it

recently emo always visit me at night
suddenly become quiet and refuse to talk
i dnt know what happened to me
just...dont think anyone will understand my feelings
that's true,i never talk to anyone about my feelings,how would there be ppl who understand
im such an idiot
there's a high wall built around my heart
block everyone to get in
too afraid to be harmed once again

im a coward
but,what can i do
the more i talk to him,i may really fall in love with him
he will never have the same feeling
what for letting my heart to be sad
told my friend dont give up
but i chose to give up at the first place
i chose to stand at side,just admiring him

how long has it been since i started to wear a smiling mask when im facing ppl
i want to be truly happy
i thought im truly happy already...
but when emo and darkness overwhelm me at night
i just wan to cry
i start to deny myself
i start to hate myself
arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

心累了
害怕了
失望了
放弃了
绝望了
心...死了
对人与人之间的感情，不论友情，还是爱情
都不想抱任何希望了
这样的人生
到底继续下去有什么意义
真想一睡，长眠